I am not usually one to complain. I tend to keep negative feelings to myself because I hate to burden others with them. But sometimes doing so takes a toll on me.
I made a video for my collab channel last week about finding your inner peace so that you can live a happy life. Well to be honest, I’m having trouble following my own advice. I’ve stayed organized, I’ve taken a little bit of time for myself and I’ve done things that make me happy. But all of that doesn’t seem to be fully working.
It’s not that there’s anything in my life that is particularly stressful. My internship is easy work and only a few hours a week. The class that I’m taking isn’t too hard and isn’t anything to really stress about. And yet, I feel like I’m constantly worrying.
I always feeling like there’s something I need to be doing, even if there really isn’t at the time. I feel like I can never really relax my mind because there are always stressful thoughts invading.
Just tonight, I tried to take a bath to have some time to myself without having to stress over something. But I ended it prematurely because the thoughts of several things that I needed to do caused me too much distress and kept me from relaxing. This has also happened when I try to sleep at night; despite how tired I am, my anxious thoughts keep me awake for hours.
I honestly can’t help but wonder if my YouTube videos are causing me to have so much anxiety. They occupy a lot of my thoughts and I’m always stressed about the fact that I’m not getting more views and subscribers. I know that there is more I could be doing to help with that, but I also feel like I’m doing all I can with the time and equipment that I have. This has left me feeling stuck and helpless, especially because I know absolutely no one else who could help me. I’m having to figure everything out for myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I love making my videos. They bring me a lot of joy and are a lot of fun to do. But they’re not easy to create.
Sometimes I get so stressed out while filming that I’ll have to take a break to breathe or cry. This happens when I can’t get a phrase said correctly, or I don’t know exactly what to say, or I lose track of what I’ve been saying. When I can’t get any of that right, I start to feel like a failure and wonder why I’m even putting in the effort.
And then there’s the editing and publishing processes. I’ve taught myself everything I know about editing. I do enjoy it at times, but it can also be a stressful and tedious process. And I hate it when I can’t get it exactly right. Publishing really shouldn’t be all that difficult, but when I have slow wifi and multiple channels to manage, complications always arise. These usually cause me to break down as well, because it all should be so preventable.
I think a lot of this frustration comes from the pressure I put on myself to make these videos as perfect as I can get them. I realize perfection is impossible, but I know what my best is and I feel like anything less than that is a failure. Because I don’t have the editing skills or the fancy equipment, I try to make up for it in the areas that I can control.
But sometimes I wish a little less than perfect would suffice. It really is exhausting trying to be perfect all the time. I shouldn’t have to end my relaxation time early because there’s something I feel I have to do, even if it can wait for tomorrow. I shouldn’t be crying over something that I enjoy doing. I shouldn’t feel bad about not constantly being 100%.
However, I guess I’m at a point in my life that I can’t afford to not be perfect. I’m working to gain online attention so that I can truly make a living in a field that I’m passionate about. And it’s actually working a little bit. My videos are how I got my internship, and they’re what have gotten me a contributing position for a website that I admire a lot. I guess this is just the hard part that I have to get through so that I can someday eventually see the success that I’m working so hard towards.